boiling

Hi, friends,

As nice as it is to steal some humanity from the capitalist enterprise termed work, it is also very nice to write from home where, for a short moment, I'm the only one here!  This really almost never happens, and it is such a particular pleasure.  Hummus, crackers, wine (it's horrible, but still wine), jeans, and quiet solitude for writing!

Earlier today, I got so angry, I felt like steam wasn't only coming out of my ears, but from under my skin.  I really felt like I was boiling!  I'd called Mallika's pediatrician to ask for a Saturday morning appointment.  Mallika's eating in the last couple of days has been nearly non-existent, she says her stomach hurts, and she also had a rash on her back yesterday.  I typically play the role of the "it'll all be fine" parent, but I decided to change my behavior and call up for an appointment.  Tomorrow is really actually impossible -- we have car repairs scheduled, a friend having surgery, another important doctor appointment, non-negotiable work commitments and, well, general craziness.  So I asked for a Saturday morning appointment.

After some phone tag, the Lady On The Line at the office told me who would be in on Saturday, I told her my preferred doctor (not Mallika's regular pediatrician) and Mallika's ailments, agreed to the first appointment of the morning (which is how they schedule on weekends), in spite of the stress and difficulty of getting to the office at such an early hour esp on my day off.  And then was told I needed to wait.  When she came back on the line, she told me that this kind of appointment was more a "consultation" and therefore needed to happen on a weekday.  I was like, "What?"  I'd never heard of such a thing.  But she made it clear she'd been talking to the doctor and the doctor was pushing back, so what was I supposed to do?  I was like, look, she needs to see a doctor and I cannot bring her tomorrow.  And she kept insisting this was a consultation and needed to be scheduled on a weekday.  I just hung up.  No point.  But when I went on line to look at their site to educate myself about their appointment policies, it really seemed like their official policy -- "we see sick kids on weekends" -- applied to Mallika.  So I called back to argue.  Was it that I'd listed too many ailments?  If so, I'd be happy to let the doctor just examine her stomach and ignore the rash.  (When I said this, the steam already started -- what totally fucked up medicine to not consider all the presenting symptoms.)  Lady On The Line told me that was part of it.  Another part of it was Dr. X, which I took to mean this particular doctor she'd been talking to, also didn't want to drag her ass out of bed early on a Saturday to examine my daughter's ailments, even if she only had to look at her stomach and not her back.  When I offered that Mallika's regular doctor had seen her repeatedly for food-related issues, but now we were hearing about a stomachache and very little food intake, that was the final nail in the coffin.  Seems that if there's an on-going ailment, that DEFINITELY means it's a Consultation which means it can only happen On A Weekday.

I scheduled a Monday morning appointment and put down the phone.

And took a little walk, hoping no one would try to talk to me.

Now, God and all Her angels know I deal with insane, maddening bureaucracy every day.  After all, I live in the United States and work at the University of Texas.  What was it about this that set me past my boiling point?

I think it was that I was consciously trying to change my approach to the way I care for my daughter.  There have been a couple of occasions at least where Mohan wanted to take her to the doctor and I didn't think it was necessary and I was wrong.  I wanted to try to right those wrongs.  And I want to take care of my baby who I know is losing weight and not eating.  Something is wrong and I don't know what.  And I want to do what is necessary to find the answer.  That's a major and very important internal change for me.  When I'm really scared or scared of being scared, I typically ignore/smooth things down/get distracted/wait for things to resolve themselves.  So it really seemed like a slap in the face to be told No at that particular moment.

And how will I feel about this if Mallika doesn't eat for the whole weekend?

At this moment, I am so thankful to share the parenting experience with Mohan.  I'll talk it over with him when he gets here and we'll decide together.

Peace,
Briana